Rejection

Rejection has a way of bringing up feelings from the past I didn't realize still existed. So now that the feelings are here what do I do with them? Do I shove them back in their hiding place? Do I look at them and if I do what do I do with them? Perhaps it is time to channel these feelings into something good while honoring them. Figuring out how to do that is going to be challenging but I know it need to do it.
I literally feel like a little kid, unsure, alone and ill-equipped to deal with these feelings. Guess its time to get to work.

Or perhaps I just need to sit for awhile....

Patience

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."~Mother Theresa

Teething is my nemesis. Poor baby hasn’t slept well all week and these molars are to blame. Needless to say mom and dad haven’t slept either. So I am taking this opportunity to find some calm in this mess and figure out how to hate the teething and not the teether. I know it isn’t his fault but the frequent wakings make for a cranking mommy.

My current challenges are to find a warmth about living where we do, after spending a glorious 12 days in Oregon, keep my head above water with this sleep deprivation and continue to find some understanding of Ian’s death.

Ati’s newest tricks include climbing onto the coffee table, high fives, knuckles, clapping, signing light and fan. We are still working on other signs. He claps like a seal, waves his arms like a monkey, beats his chest like a gorilla, and stomps like a Elephant when we read the book From Head to Toe by Eric Carle. It is pretty cute.

The second lesson from the 5 People you Meet in Heaven is “Dying? Not the end of everything. We think it is. But what happens on earth is only the beginning.” So I hope that Ian’s is starting his new life, with no pain, physical or emotional. I hope that he is happy everyday, all day. Spending his days, surfing, fishing, telling stories, playing video games, camping, drinking with buddies and watching the sunset on the ocean every night. 

I hope that he can see through me and my life, enjoy watching Atigun grow up and give me some help and support when I need it.

Playing in the grass!

Couldn't resist this one!

cutest butt Ever!

looking for peace

When was the last time I felt at peace? Some days I feel it all day long others it seems like it will never come again. I have been searching for a peace for my brother Ian. I feel this constant need to find an afterlife, the knowledge that he is okay, and enjoying his time wherever he is now. For some reason l know that he is mourning us too. I also feel that he is somewhere doing his thing and loving it, not feeling any pain, only enjoying his new life. 

I just started the book The 5 people You’ll Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. So far this book had helped me gain some perspective and find something to believe in. I guess more than anything I am needing something to believe in. I have a few passage that really speak to me.

“Your voice will come. We all go through the same things. You cannot talk with you first arrive.” He smiled. “It helps you listen.” - i love this one...mostly for myself. A reminder to listen.

“That there are no random acts. That we are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind.”

“Fairness,” he said, “does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young.”

“Strangers,” the Blue Man said, “are just family you have yet to come to know.”

“No life is a waste, the only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.”

I feel inspired and the need to live my life to the fullest. To experience as much as I can while I am here, in this life, on this earth, good, bad, easy, hard, joy, love, and sadness. I know I have experienced enough sadness and now I must fill my time with joy and love. I hope that those who left this earth too soon, and those that did not get to experience things I am, can do so through me.

beginnings in progress

I’ve been wanting to find a way to deal with the recent events in my life. So far I’ve tried ignoring some of them and getting lost in others, reading as much as I can about attachment parenting, nighttime nursing and co-sleeping to help me feel like I am making the right decision for my child, crying a lot, and creating a fantasy land where Ian is right now.

Unfortunately none of these things are really helping.

I am looking to find a peace about my life, a place to write my thoughts, share my passions and develop a spirituality that I can share with my family as we grow.  

I am hesitant to put this out on the internet but so far writing in my journal has not been very successful and desperately need a way to share this with the universe in hopes that is will send me some guidance, peace, strength and assurance.

I hope to find my creative self, my spiritual self and the strong woman that I know is in there. If not for myself but for my family.

So here I am 378 days grieving the death my amazing older brother, 366 days as a mom, 344 days in a new town and 603 days since I've slept through the night. This is my journey, my path, my adventure.